@ThomasLesnick



20-something studio/touring drummer from Toronto, ON. Currently playing for Chris Strazz, Ivy James, The Gentlemen Thieves, Old English, and Mira Meikle. Proud endorser of Baker Street Drum Company.

Contact: thomaslesnick@live.ca

Ever since Robin Williams suicide caused by depression, I’ve been trying to put into words something that I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. At this point, I think the internet has probably done its job educating the general population on what it feels like to suffer from depression.

For me, most days are okay. I don’t mind getting out of bed, I go to a job I don’t hate, I come home and do things that make me happy, and I go to bed. Everything is okay. There’s always depression there. It’s difficult to put into words what it is - an emptiness? Sadness? A weight. Usually it’s not so bad. I can get through my day and everything is okay.

The days that are bad are REALLY bad. I don’t want to leave bed. Every bit of social interaction is draining - whether I’m texting someone, talking to someone, even doing something like tweeting is almost painful. The worst part is, on these days I just feel crushed by loneliness. It’s overwhelming, living in this kind of contradiction. I get sucked into thinking that I am horrible - I think about every terrible thing I’ve ever done. I think about all the things that I should be doing and wish I could be doing. I think about how impossible it is, how I couldn’t possibly change, and why would anyone want to talk to me anyways? Sometimes, I just don’t feel anything.

I think the things that people don’t talk about often enough are the kinds of (self-)destructive behaviour that people who suffer from depression get themselves into. I know people who sit at home and do literally nothing. People who drink themselves silly. People who smoke. People who do drugs that no human should do in doses that are nowhere near healthy amounts. Some of those people will hit bottom and realize that they can’t live their lives like that, and other people will carry on in their misery.

For me, I’m a lot better than I used to be - but holy shit, when I was on bottom, I really don’t think I could have sunk any lower than I did.

My depression is rooted in loneliness. I couldn’t tell you why. I’ve always been surrounded by friends. I’ve always had people to talk to. But I never felt like I was liked, that I couldn’t be liked. So I tried to turn myself into someone that other people would be. By doing things I had no business doing; lying, doing drugs, smoking, all sorts of self-destructive behaviour. None of it worked - in case you were wondering. In fact, all it did was push people away from me. When people liked me, I couldn’t understand why. So I felt like I had to create a facade - something that I thought people would both believe and like - it would work, for a bit. And then the eventual reveal would happen, they would hate me, and they would leave. I always thought it was because they didn’t like ME. But it was the lies. 

Even worse - I started doing a bunch of shit that I’m not proud of, but I think needs to be said. I developed an addiction to painkillers. It started out with simple, over-the-counter shit. Advil and Tylenol. Whatever, I could buy it, no one would know. When that wasn’t enough, I moved onto stronger medications - I’m sure you see where this is going. Around this time, I started drinking substantially more. I really got into drugs, and my smoking got a lot worse. All of this was getting worse and worse as my depression got worse. I couldn’t recognize the correlation between my depression and my habits until it was way too late. I lost almost all of my friends because of it. I don’t understand why some chose to stick around. I constantly lied to them, I treated the girls I dated in that time like absolute shit. I took so many people for granted - friends and family alike.

And one day - very recently - I realized that what I was doing was making everything worse. Lying to people only made me more lonely. Drugs and drinking didn’t help. I’ve learned that positive thinking is a habit that I needed to get into - this was the hardest thing in the world that I’ve ever had to do, but I’m trying. Attempting to build a genuine connection with people is the best thing I’ve ever done. Actually giving a shit about another human being is probably the best thing that I’ve done for myself. And treating myself probably, too - working out, eating properly, getting adequate sleep instead of staying up until 4 in the morning smoking pot and dropping acid while watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force was a good change.

I also went to therapy for a bit, and honestly, that’s really what made the biggest change in my life. My therapist helped me realize a lot of what was causing my depression and helped me work on a number of coping strategies to deal with my issues. I’m not saying that depression has gone away entirely - far from it, but it has made coping with it far easier than drugs, alcohol, and everything else ever did.

Prep work #sessiondrummer #rehearsal #musician #toronto

Prep work #sessiondrummer #rehearsal #musician #toronto

Hittin’ dem skinz #studio #drummer @tube_powered #rednightfall

Charting at work cause my internet is being weird at home. And coffee #Starbucks #drummer #drummerlife #musicianlife #charts

Charting at work cause my internet is being weird at home. And coffee #Starbucks #drummer #drummerlife #musicianlife #charts

Doors at 9 pm, I’m on with @chrisstrazz at 1040. Come on out and eat mad nachos with me! #livemusic #toronto #drummer #sneakydees

Doors at 9 pm, I’m on with @chrisstrazz at 1040. Come on out and eat mad nachos with me! #livemusic #toronto #drummer #sneakydees